A Mind is a Terrible Thing

Greetings friends, drive-by browsers, and my ever faithful Imaginary Readers–

As noted in the post title, it’s a rainy Sunday morning here at the ashram.  I’ve no idea if this is usual for this time of year or not, but until now all the precipitation I’ve experienced here has always been either at night or late afternoon/early evening thundershowers.

It’s rather nice, really, because the overall activity level around here is much quieter as a consequence.  Also, yesterday was the full moon, and I think everybody’s recovering from that.  Also, from big party thrown last night to celebrate an important someone’s b’day (sorry, can’t say who).  Fireworks, sweets, music… alas, I couldn’t really enjoy it much though, because yesterday was an 8.0-9.5 day on the migraine scale.

Yeah, still have the headaches.  Today’s much better though, maybe 3-4 at most, and I’ll take anything I can get.

By the by, a big shout-out to my occasionally visiting "69 wives" — Jewelz, Veek, Holly, Mare, and M, in particular.  Hey!  Love you gals — so sorry I’m bandwidth-constrained, else I’d have remained on the List That Shall Not Be Named.  Hope you drop by again.  I’ve not forgotten my promise to try to post more regularly.

But I have to admit, between the busy-ness of staying up on my studies for the university program, the ‘power-journey’ trips, my occasional seva duties — and lately, the sheer debilitation of the unrelenting migraines — I just haven’t been terribly much in the mood.  I think all my posts would’ve been long rants and complaints about how bad my head hurt and that I was contemplating self-inflicted trepanning.  (Just kidding folks… mostly I just wanted it over with.)

One thing is that unless something comes along to change my plans (something one must always consider when on this spiritual path with this particular Swami), I’m heading to Bangalore tomorrow for a few days.  Just to relax, do some shopping, and generally have an entire room to myself.  That should also give me a little time to write more about my inner experiences, maybe compose another poem comparable to "The Candle Critic" (which I actually think was one of my better works).  True, I’ve been writing every day in my private "morning pages" journals — but that’s private stuff.  I’m talking about blog posts…and there, I have to walk a fine line between stuff I can talk about freely versus stuff I don’t have permission to disclose.

About this latter, because I don’t want to pique curiousity unfairly:  Firstly, context is everything.  A lot of things just don’t make sense to discuss unless you’re actually here, learning with this particular Guru.  If I talk about the specifics of his teachings, I run the risk of misrepresenting his words, his meaning, adding my own ‘masala’, as they say here.  As I’ve written in other posts, if you want to learn about this path, check out the Teachings sections on Sri Kaleshwar’s website.  Also check out the available books and transcripts.

The only comment I feel qualified and permitted to make is that the university starts with those teachings, and goes far deeper — as any year-long course of study would.

My only personal regret — aside from the migraines lately?  That I haven’t really had time since early August for super-deep meditations in the Baba temple, as I would like.  A couple opportunities, but it hasn’t been a regular thing.  I think my spiritual connection to the Old Man (as I like to call Baba) has suffered somewhat as a result.

So… a few observations, before I head inside to do some of my daily japa (mantras using a 108-bead lotus seed mala):

Your humble blogger has become decidedly two-toned since arriving in India.  Because I wear punjabi dresses most of the time (think long white tunic with loose white pants), my arms, face, and feet have become more tanned than they’ve been in years.  I’d no idea my skin could get this dark, really.  But my torso, legs, and the place under my Timex wristwatch?  Still the old fair-skinned Irish lily-white.

Oops, more later.  Raining hard, gotta go.

Been too long.  I owe you folks one.  Yes, I’ve been quite prolific here, btw.

The Candle Critic

I used to collect candles
all shapes, all sizes
it didn’t matter
as long as they were beautiful

I would take them home
arrange them just so
on the polished pine shelves
lining my private study

One day
a graybeard spied me
my arms full
with their accustomed load
of wrapped brown packages

Looking me up and down
he spat at my feet
grabbed my expensive purchases
and threw them into the gutter

"You fool," said he
A candle unburnt
is worse than useless
for they give you nothing
in exchange
for the space they occupy"

"But they are beautiful,"
I protested.  "See the colors,
the lovely shapes
the cunning craftsmanship
of the candlemaker’s art."

"Burn your candles, I say
but burn them well
for otherwise one day
your study will be full
of frozen waxworks
and you will have
become just like them

"Burn those candles," he abjured
"Keep the wicks well-trimmed
and the fresh breeze neither too much
nor too little

"If the wax tends to run
consider the discipline
of a brass ring
but the best candles
do not need such

"Most candles still
drown themselves eventually
in their own spilled wax

"Rare and sublime it is
to experience the candle
that achieves the perfection
the flame consuming
wax and wick
in equal measure
so that both run out
in precisely the same instant
leaving for a single eyeblink
nothing but the flame
and then it too is gone
            pfft!"

The graybeard kissed his fingers
and made a gesture of dismissal
nodding to my now
gutter-dampened heap
of wrapped candles
some now undoubtedly broken
"Take those home, put them
with the rest of your collection
and light them all
See what happens."

- Becca Morn, September 2006

Hello friends, passers-by, and my ever faithful Imaginary Readers–

Today was better generally, in terms of the overall headache level.  I spent most of the early part at about 4.0 on my usual 0-10 scale, although towards mid to late afternoon, it climbed back up into the upper 7 range.  The nausea came and went, but I did manage to eat a bowl of ramen noodles for lunch, and some french fries for dinner.  Plus some chips later on.

But the migraine remains.  Day 12, today.  The doctor (allopathic) stopped by again, took my blood pressure to make sure I wasn’t hypertensive (I’m not — 120/80, which ain’t bad at all for a 43 year old).  He also said that if it continued, I should consider getting a CAT scan.  I was noncommittal, not because I objected to the $27.95 such a scan would cost here in India (okay, I exaggerate — I think they run about $150 or 200… what?  still shocked?  you should be).  Rather, I just don’t think a scan’ll find anything.

This is a migraine like all the others I’ve endured, save for the duration.  Which is admittedly rather longer than is usual for me.

Me, I still think it was the pujas that set it off, and by stubbornly going back day after day, I caused the headache to really set in.  Those blood vessels are spasmed shut, and it may take a few days yet for them to unspasm.

Or it’s the spiritual energy of Navaratri.  Or maybe my astral self/soul is badly aligned in my bod.

Who knows.  Me, I’m goin’ to bed.

I refer, of course, to the now officially named "Migraine That Would Not Frackin’ End".

At first, it was just mildly irritating.  A day or two later, it became truly bothersome.  By the end of the first week, it became almost funny.  Then maddening, and finally ‘old’.

The Migraine That Would Not End is beyond old now, having moved into the realm of "a loathesome thing only to be endured."

Meanwhile, I’ve tried to keep up with the classes by reading the assigned materials.  Attending the classes in-person is pretty much out of the question, and I’ve not gone to the pujas either (I ain’t that stupid).  Mostly, I sit, read, browse the Internet for news (schadenfreude for the Grand Old Pervert party…  shame and disgust over Congress’s repeal of the Magna Carta and what little remained of judicial restraint and oversight (sorry America, but you’re now officially a military dictatorship…how’s it feel?)), rest, occasionally take short walks, and sometimes play a computer game that I actually brought along almost by accident (Freelancer).

Eating’s a challenge, too, as I have almost no appetite.  But I’m working on it.  This evening, I actually ate a small dinner of seasoned noodles, rice, some kind of veggie sauce, fresh tomatoes, and a decent serving of curds.

No worries — this is a migraine like many of the previous.  I’ve had headaches of one kind or another since I was about 8 years old.  The main difference here is duration.

Two bright signs in all this.  One was that I was finally able to restore my desktop computer, the Gateway, to functionality.  It’s not quite all the way back though, as I need to replace a SATA hard disk cable.

Another has been the unflagging concern and attempts to help by my friends and fellow students, as well as the staff.  Fact is, if I was back in the States, I’d not have had a fraction of the attention and active help I’ve gotten here.  (Not their fault the migraine won’t break, either.)

Plus possibly one thing to look forward to, and that’s a trip I’ve planned to B’lore a week from today.  Just to spend a little time in a room, by myself, do some grocery and other shopping, and relax.

That’s all for this brief update… stay frosty, my friends.  Especially those of you back in America.  Stand tall, stand true, and for the love of God, vote this November.

Hello friends, wanderers, and my ever constant Imaginary Readers,

Firstly — no, still have the headache.  I think I’ve seen every kind of doctor there is, today consulting with an expert homeopath.  He’s given me something, and told me to stay clear of tobacco (no problem) and coffee (err… problem, but I’ll manage) for a couple days.  We’ll see.  In the meantime, I’m taking advantage of the continuous nausea to indulge in some semi-voluntary fasting.  Had two vada (pronounced ‘vada’) yesterday morning, and nothing but liquids since.  Water mainly, but also coffee, herbal (rooibos) tea, and coconut water with a vitamin supplement stirred in.

Also some stuff the village ayurvedic doctor said I should take each morning, some semi-vile powder called "trifula".  She also gave me nose drops, but they gave me no relief and I tired of the burning in my sinuses and a peculiar stench that literally lasted hours.

Head pain and nausea… neither’ll kill me, although they’re pretty effectively putting a damper on my mood of late.

Instead, I thought I’d write about Navaratri Dashara — the Hindu festival of the Divine Mother, and without coincidence placed six months opposite Shiva’s festiva, ‘Shivaratri’.  Nava means ‘nine’, and ratri means ‘night’ — so literally, the nine nights of the Mother.

Each day is devoted to a different aspect of the Divine Mother in her various forms.  Lakshmi, Durga, Kali — they all get their day.  And here at the ashram, it’s been observed mainly with daily fire pujas (ceremonies) from about 10am to noon.  Followed by our usual arathi — namely a fire ceremony involving the Baba statue.

Mind, this is one detail — speaking from a personal viewpoint — that I hadn’t yet mentioned in my migraine/headache troubles.  Burning a fire inside a relatively enclosed building — namely the temple — generates a lot of smoke.  Even though I deliberately chose to sit outside on the veranda, I still would get great lungfuls of smoke.  And undoubtedly other gunk and carbon monoxide.

This very likely contributed to the repeat headaches…although it’s been odd and indicative too that even though I skipped the pujas the last two days, opting instead to meditate quietly in our room, that the headaches still have not abated.

Anyway, thus it is.  I’m going to go sit and sip some ice water while Stephy enjoys her dinner.

Until next time…

This stopped being funny around day 3…  Sorry, still no posts.

…and an apology to my "69 Wives" (a long story), that after all your lovely comments and posts, that I haven’t gone ahead and written something nice and detailed about ashram and soul-university life.

Fact is, despite the fab medical care here, I’;ve had a migraine steadily for the last 6 days.  Pain meds aren’t cutting it, even the ayurvedics aren’t helping, nor is chiropractic adjustment.

It’s just a real bitch-kitty of a migraine, and the only way thru these is to wait ‘em out.  It’s very rare for me to have one this long, this unrelentingly… but it happens.

Anyway — thank you again, dear Ladies of the List That Shall Not Be Named.  I promise I’ll write soon.  For now though, my appetite has made a temporary comeback, so I shall be making pizza for dinner tonight.

-Becca

One of my heretofore unknown Imaginary Readers (hello Carole!) asked in a comment in my previous post (sorry I’ve been tardy about keeping this up-to-date) for more details on ashram life, what we’re being taught, and so on.

Well, I’m going to take a slight tangent here, because it’s quite relevant given things that’ve happened over the last month or two.  I’m pretty sure I mentioned at one point that Stephanie got quite ill with some kind of digestive difficulty.  The one upside to that was she lost quite a bit of weight…but that’s about the only upside.  I think I also said something about how happy I was with the quality and availability of medical care available here at the ashram.

I’ll take that a step further now, particularly since as I’ve been reading SF Gate online from time to time, I see this week you unfortunate Californians are paying the price for your Republican movie-star governor — who thinks avoiding a "big bureaucracy" is far more impotant than providing universal basic healthcare coverage for everybody.  Typical GOP response.  Hurt people to help businesses make even more money hand-over-fist.  Nevermind that instead of a bureaucracy run by the government — and thus answerable to the people — you get a bureaucracy beholden to those whose sole motive is ever greater profit.  In other words, they make money by denying YOU healthcare.  That strikes me as a damned lousy motivation, y’know?

Last week, Stephanie had a bad allergic reaction to something, resulting in a nasty red rash on her neck.  Very painful and itchy.  We think it was a cat that had scratched her.  Unfortunately, the rash didn’t really hit hard until we were away from the ashram on a ‘power-journey’ trip last week to the ruins of Hampi — an ancient, sacred city from which Krishnadevaraya once ruled one of the richest empires in India (early 16th century).  (I’ll write more about that trip in a future post.)  Because she was suffering so, I (exercising my spousal veto) and the ashram medical staff decided she should have a professional look at her.

Total cost for the doctor’s visit, in the nearby city of Hospet, including the prescription antihistamines and antibiotics they gave her?  About 500 Rupees — or roughly $11 US.

Still, upon getting back to the ashram, we wanted the local doctors to have a look at her, too, since she was still having problems.  Now as it turns out, our favorite ashram students who happen to be doctors — Clint Thompson, and another fellow named Thomas B — were back home in their respective countries.  No worries — there is a local Penukonda husband-wife team who work BOTH allopathic (traditional western) and ayurvedic (eastern) medical techniques.  They told Stephanie to stop the antibiotics, not necessary, but did start a course of treatments to boost her immune system, with a series of weekly injections.  She’s doing great already.

Total cost, including medicines, for this house-call visit?  150 Rs.  Under three and a half bucks.

I mentioned in my comment in the other post that I had a really bad migraine today — actually it’s day 2 of the migraine.  The lady doctor happened to be around today, and she’d already said she can help with migraines.  Not just treat them as they happen, but she says they can be cured.  She didn’t have the medicines on hand for that, but she did give me something that really took the edge off the pain.  Cost for this house-call?  100 Rs.  About $2.20, give or take, depending on the exchange rates.  She’ll be back on Wednesday and we’ll start this course of treatment to prevent further migraines — something involving daily nasal spray, plus some other treatments.

I’m telling you folks back in the States — you are all a bunch of suckers.  Mind, there are a LOT of people here in India who can’t afford even this inexpensive system of healthcare — but that’s where charities and the government step in.  It’s why, for example, this ashram often participates in "Medical Camps", to give free care to any who need it.

But for anybody with even a modest amount of money, getting decent care here — whether it be general medicine, dental work, eye care, surgery — even elective surgery — is trivial.  The reputable doctors, dentists, optometrists and other healthcare professionals are really quite excellent.

One of our friends, Tara, who needed extensive dental work — root canals, crowns, extractions, and an upper denture plate — had everything done for what I think was under $1000 (in Rs equivalent).  In the States, we’re talking over $10k, easy.

Back in California, even with health insurance, I couldn’t get to see my doctor for 10 minutes without paying well over $100.  Nevermind if she gave me a ’scrip to fill.  Drugs there cost ten times or more, over what they cost here.  And I’m talking name-brand stuff, too.

I’m serious:  You people back in the U.S. are being taken for a ride by your healthcare and insurance industries.  Your coverage sucks.  You can’t even get in for an appointment when you really need one.  House-calls as a general practice ended two generations ago.  You are being gouged unbelievably.  And all the while, so many of you believe the lie that America’s healthcare system is tops in the world.

I got news for ya:  It’s lousy.

Still happy you elected ‘The Governator’?  Hmm?  Had Enough?

Try voting Democrat next time.  And don’t stand for it when they say you can’t have universal healthcare coverage.  All it takes is the will to do it.  Make sure the men and women you elect know that their jobs depend on it.

Hi everyone — both my regular Imaginary Readers and those passers-by who find this blog for whatever reason–

I’m doing fine here, fast approaching my third month’s anniversary here at the ashram.  Each day continues to be busy from end to end, such that by time bedtime arrives, I find myself surprised it’s so late so soon.  No worries though — my health continues to be very good, and I even make sure I have downtime.  The last few nights, I rewatched the director’s cut of the SF channel’s "Dune" miniseries on DVD; probably will start on "Children of Dune" tonight or tomorrow.

One thing I wanted to mention, so that it’s abundantly clear to all — I am in no way, shape, or form any official… well, anything with respect to Swami Kaleshwar or the Penukonda ashram.  Not a spokesperson.  Certainly not a certified teacher.

Anything I might say about my insights should be taken with a nice shakerload of salt, ‘kay?  As well as recognition that they’re mine alone, a personal thing, and probably not terribly applicable to anybody else.

I’m just a student here — and a very new one at that.  This is why, for example, I say very little about what exactly I’ve learned.  Because I may either misrepresent it, or worse, actually not understand what I think I do.

If any of Kaleshwar’s teachings interest you, I strongly urge you check out the official ashram website, HERE.  You can learn about the New Ancient Traditions, the Five Elements, Vaastu, and lots more — but most importantly of all, everything on that site is approved by Swami Kaleshwar himself.

Anything you’ve seen or read on this blog?  All mine — including any errors, omissions, or other mistakes in representation or understanding.  As I said, I’m just a peanut here, and every day come face to face with the sheer gulf of my ignorance.

But every day, with my tiny shovel, I dump a little more sand into that hole in the ground.  Perhaps eventually, I’ll have filled it enough so that I can traverse the expanse and see what’s on the other side.

Promoting this one from the Comments to my post yesterday, "Respect".  This comes from regular reader (and not at all Imaginary person), RacerOla.  I think he raises some interesting points…although personally I still have issue with the idea of managing dialog with the Republicans — because the people currently controlling the GOP refuse to talk reasonably — and two willing participants is required.

But without further comment, here’s Racer’s post:

Yes, You are right, it is very difficult to have an honest dialogue with Bush and Republicans; seems like they are more eager to win the next election rather than doing what is right for the nation. In their mad race to win election, they seem like hiding ‘intelligence and war’ details even from Congressman and Senators. They are not inviting Other Political parties or experts to see what the solution of the Middle-East conflicts is.

However, I strongly feel that if both Democrat and Republican parties blame each other, than there will be no good lasting solution to the Middle East and Israel/Palestine problem. Without an honest dialogue, the parties with more power will make the call. Is that what we want? Do we want a 4 years old US executives to propose a solution for century old problems?

An honest dialogue will require opening the books, setting up a Non-political committee and having representative from all stakeholders. Is it likely that Republicans would set such an ‘inquiry committee’ similar to Iran-Contra affair or Clinton’s Affair, to find the facts? Probably not. But we definitely need a movement from US public and leaders to request the Republican Party to start a dialogue.

Where are those honest impartial leaders that can give this nation a new direction? Democrats are not quite able to seize that opportunity and they cannot do it by themselves. We need some moderators who are not affiliated to any political parties and who have very good credibility in the public eyes. Which are those forums and associations where this type of dialogue has started? The world stage seems to United Nations or G-8 whether we like it or not.

The US Military cannot solve this problem. We know from the history, the crusades lasted for more than 400 years, the exploitation of weak nations by powerful military regimes resulted into 2 world wars and destroyed the most powerful Germany and Britain, and the communism/capitalism ideology fight lasted for more than a century. Have we not become wiser after 2 world wars? Do we not believe in globalization, free market, and equal access to opportunities? If so, extended wars or military occupation will not change the aspirations of Arabs, Israel or Palestinian people? Look former Yugoslavia history. What military tried to do for decades were undone by their citizens within few years after Soviet collapse?

This nation needs to open an honest internal dialogue to reduce the Middle East conflict and reduce terrorism. Have some questions on ballot, if necessary. Have US Nation committee to meet, discuss and develop a new roadmap. Then have this non-partisan group from US meet the counterpart of representatives from Arab, Israel and Palestinian region. Let a ‘world committee’ review, revise and propagate the New Middle East solution. A good diplomatic effort is the only way. If East Germany and West Germany can do it, if European Union can be formed, if we can come with WTO, IMF and UN, then it should be possible to find the Middle East solution. The US military occupation of Iraq even for next 10 years will not solve the terrorism problem. It will only further divide the western and Arab world. The terrorist people have lost their hope and they do not see light at the end of the tunnel. Hence they just believe in destroying their perceived enemies. It will be very difficult to suppress that feeling by US military action.

But instead of arguing and blaming Republicans, we need to get to the business of solving the problem. The Republicans cannot solve the problem themselves, they are just pretending to.

What do you think? Who could be part of that ‘US Nation committee’ and ‘world committee’? I would love find more about organizations or groups who believe in this type of approach at the grass root level.

I think this dialogue could be under “US role in solving Middle East and Terrorism problem”

Cheers,
Racer