Letterz frum the Front Line in the Monkee Warz

The following odd ‘journal’ entry was found stuffed up behind an air conditioning unit, scrawled on a sheaf of mismatched papers and written in an ink of highly questionable origins.  Copied quasi-verbatim:

…big-big feer time for we Monkee-Tribe.  Big broun box come cupple days a-go, with EVIL Bunnee-God pikture on it.  Bunnee-God grin like it alreddy know taste of Monkee-Tribe feer.  Bunnee-God eyes closed to Monkee-Tribe big hoots for mercee.  It wants blud, me shur.

Me rite this:  It be the Bunnee-of-Doom.

Box be giv to mean nastee uglee pink Monkee-Warrier-Laydee.  She-Who-Spray-Water.  The Un-Afeered of Monkee-Tribe.  Deestroyer of Monkee-Tribe Resting Playses.  (We hateses Her, alwayz.)

Wun time, to get away from Her, Biter-of-Wirez jump from balcknee, but he miss tree, hit grownd.  He look big stoopid.  We teez, ‘Yoo like Big Monkee, cant clime!  Fall down, go thump.’  Him angree, go hide beehind Trezure-Pile-of-Big-Monkee-Trash.  Him now named ‘Ownlee-Frend-of-Cowz.’

The Un-Afeered of Monkee-Tribe open the box, & haz nu brite color thing.  Old brite color thing shoot little water little-far.  Befor, we a little afeered, runz away.  We wait, then come bak.  We laff, poop all over, make big happee stinkee.  Monkee-Warrier-Laydee juss big dum-dum.  Gud timez…

Nu brite color thing shoot BIG water far-far.  She now angree Water Monkee Goddess, make us Monkee-Tribe wet, make us shake all afeered, and take off us all the good stinkee.

And Grunts-With-Nanners so afeered the big-big water, he pee hisself.  Everybuddy laff at him.  Then he took hiz nanners away and nobuddy laffs now.

Old Monkee shaman — Steeler-of-Shooz — say we must appeeze Water Monkee Goddess.  “Find shooz.  Giv shooz.  Get food.  All happee.”  Steeler-of-Shooz so stoopid — we throw poo at him.  Nobuddy giv food for shooz long-time now.  Wuz juss crazee Big Monkee, not heer no mor.  (Shoo fetish?  Dunno…)

Monkee-Tribe try sneek…not work.  Water Monkee Goddess alwayz there, never go away.  Old brite color thing water end soon.  Nu brite color thing iz big-big & water never end.  Monkee-Tribe cant stay in good hi bilding playse, & hav Monkee-Tribe parteez no mor…  We all sad.

Me rite dis so Monkee-Tribe baybee-baybeeze heer truth:  Beware the Bunnee-of-Doom and the Water Monkee Goddess!

But Picker-of-Nits look at me funnee now.  She no like me riting like Big Monkee, so me end.  Monkee-Tribe go other end big bilding, mebee leeve — we be sayfe tonite.  No Water-Monkee-Goddess there.  Me rite more tomoro…

I post this ‘account’ with many thanks to my dear friend M (she of Bunnywarez.com fame)– who read one of my stories a couple months back, about our ‘epic battles’ with the packs of monkeys here at the ashram — and sent her own contribution to the arms race.  I happened to mention that the ‘Super Soaker’ toy water-gun clones available here are really cheaply made and didn’t work all that well.

Two days ago, we received a package containing TWO genuine Super-Soakers, the kind with a separate pressure chamber, toggle trigger, switchable nozzles, and a 1.5 liter reservoir.  That night, I took out one of the new water-guns…and the monkeys literally couldn’t scamper away fast enough.

Hee hee.  I’m so easy to amuse sometimes…

About Becca

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2 Responses to Letterz frum the Front Line in the Monkee Warz

  1. Racer says:

    Real funny