Wenger 16999 Giant Swiss Army Knife – Amazon review

Not enough tools, March 23, 2012

By Rebecca Morn "Technowitch" (Placitas, NM, USA)
  

If I'm spending a grand on a multi-tool, it had better do every damned thing. Where's the chainsaw? Or the shotgun attachment?

Surely a tool like this should have a built-in grapple-launcher, an assassination garrote, and a Ninja shuriken-dispenser. (To dispense Ninja-type shurikens, of course, and not actual Ninjas because that would be silly. Not to mention impractical. Suppose they turned on you, then what would you do? Exactly — you'd have no shurikens to throw back at them, unless you were lightning fast and could catch theirs. I guess technically that would make you a Ninja, which leads me back to the absolute utility in having a handy shuriken dispenser. Which this Swiss Army knife does not include.)

Suppose I want to enjoy a little casual weekend trepanation? There's not a single tool on this thing appropriate to drill a precision hole in one's own skull. I mean, I suppose one could try using the awl, followed by the file and saw blade, but it's sure to do a lousy job of what needs to be delicate work, otherwise you end up a drooling idiot because you accidentally punctured the dura mater, and who wants that? I mean, c'mon, where's the angled mirror so you can perform halfway competent self-surgery? Plus there's no port to plug in the anesthesia mask.

Also missing:
- Blow-gun
- Nose-hair trimmer
- Sextant
- LIDAR
- Cat whistle
- Voice-activation module
- Snorkel and/or auxiliary oxygen supply
- Jet-pack fuel line repair tool
- Miniature shovel (for when one is accidentally buried alive)
- Brick-bender
- Subcutaneous GPS transponder removal tool
- Left-handed compass winder
- And lots more.

I was tempted to give two stars, having noted the duplicated and redundant flat-blade 3.5, 4.0 and 6.0mm screwdrivers (never hurts to have spares, given they do tend to snap off when opening cans of sterno or crow-barring into sunken derelict submarines), but where's the 5.0mm screwdriver?! Talk about a major design omission.

Anyway, at least add the shuriken dispenser and maybe we can talk.