A Mind is a Terrible Thing

The latest viral thing:
http://www.27bslash6.com/strata.html

Not to worry, it’s work-safe, unless uncontrolled laughter can get you fired.

All I can say is Helen turned out to be a good sport about it.

Hat-tip to Eri.  With thanks to Icanhascheezburger.com.

(See ref.)  Alas, no aluminum poles to be had here, so I guess we’ll have to make do with bamboo.

The following odd ‘journal’ entry was found stuffed up behind an air conditioning unit, scrawled on a sheaf of mismatched papers and written in an ink of highly questionable origins.  Copied quasi-verbatim:

…big-big feer time for we Monkee-Tribe.  Big broun box come cupple days a-go, with EVIL Bunnee-God pikture on it.  Bunnee-God grin like it alreddy know taste of Monkee-Tribe feer.  Bunnee-God eyes closed to Monkee-Tribe big hoots for mercee.  It wants blud, me shur.

Me rite this:  It be the Bunnee-of-Doom.

Box be giv to mean nastee uglee pink Monkee-Warrier-Laydee.  She-Who-Spray-Water.  The Un-Afeered of Monkee-Tribe.  Deestroyer of Monkee-Tribe Resting Playses.  (We hateses Her, alwayz.)

Wun time, to get away from Her, Biter-of-Wirez jump from balcknee, but he miss tree, hit grownd.  He look big stoopid.  We teez, ‘Yoo like Big Monkee, cant clime!  Fall down, go thump.’  Him angree, go hide beehind Trezure-Pile-of-Big-Monkee-Trash.  Him now named ‘Ownlee-Frend-of-Cowz.’

The Un-Afeered of Monkee-Tribe open the box, & haz nu brite color thing.  Old brite color thing shoot little water little-far.  Befor, we a little afeered, runz away.  We wait, then come bak.  We laff, poop all over, make big happee stinkee.  Monkee-Warrier-Laydee juss big dum-dum.  Gud timez…

Nu brite color thing shoot BIG water far-far.  She now angree Water Monkee Goddess, make us Monkee-Tribe wet, make us shake all afeered, and take off us all the good stinkee.

And Grunts-With-Nanners so afeered the big-big water, he pee hisself.  Everybuddy laff at him.  Then he took hiz nanners away and nobuddy laffs now.

Old Monkee shaman — Steeler-of-Shooz — say we must appeeze Water Monkee Goddess.  “Find shooz.  Giv shooz.  Get food.  All happee.”  Steeler-of-Shooz so stoopid — we throw poo at him.  Nobuddy giv food for shooz long-time now.  Wuz juss crazee Big Monkee, not heer no mor.  (Shoo fetish?  Dunno…)

Monkee-Tribe try sneek…not work.  Water Monkee Goddess alwayz there, never go away.  Old brite color thing water end soon.  Nu brite color thing iz big-big & water never end.  Monkee-Tribe cant stay in good hi bilding playse, & hav Monkee-Tribe parteez no mor…  We all sad.

Me rite dis so Monkee-Tribe baybee-baybeeze heer truth:  Beware the Bunnee-of-Doom and the Water Monkee Goddess!

But Picker-of-Nits look at me funnee now.  She no like me riting like Big Monkee, so me end.  Monkee-Tribe go other end big bilding, mebee leeve — we be sayfe tonite.  No Water-Monkee-Goddess there.  Me rite more tomoro…

I post this ‘account’ with many thanks to my dear friend M (she of Bunnywarez.com fame)– who read one of my stories a couple months back, about our ‘epic battles’ with the packs of monkeys here at the ashram — and sent her own contribution to the arms race.  I happened to mention that the ‘Super Soaker’ toy water-gun clones available here are really cheaply made and didn’t work all that well.

Two days ago, we received a package containing TWO genuine Super-Soakers, the kind with a separate pressure chamber, toggle trigger, switchable nozzles, and a 1.5 liter reservoir.  That night, I took out one of the new water-guns…and the monkeys literally couldn’t scamper away fast enough.

Hee hee.  I’m so easy to amuse sometimes…

There are times when I simply want to scream, when I hear terms like ‘liberty’ and ‘peace’ being so abused by those who would see most of us not really have them.  Or when they justify things that have been adjudged ‘torture’ as centuries in hundreds of courts of law — by saying "we don’t torture, so whatever we do isn’t that."

Ah, language.  My lover, my whore…  A bit of Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie, by way of a YouTube I first saw posted by Chris in Paris over at Americablog.  It’s well worth the time, and laugh out loud funny.  It’s all about Language!

I, too, did some weird things in college, but would’ve had to be stoned out of my mind to do something this crazy…

Via Raw Story:

Huckabee: ‘We used to fry squirrels in a popcorn popper’
Huckabee spoke to MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough from Columbia, SC, saying enthusiastically, "South Carolina’s a great place for me. I mean, I know how to eat grits and speak the language. We even know how to talk about eating fried squirrel and stuff like that, so we’re on the same wavelength." "Mika, I bet you never did this," Huckabee went on, addressing Mika Brzezinski. "When I was in college, we used to take a popcorn popper, because that was the only thing they would let us use in the dorm, and we would fry squirrels in a popcorn popper in the dorm room."

Um, yeah, right… Because after the Doritos run out and the munchies are still bitin’ hard, and the only edible thing around is that little squirrel…

Oh, sorry, I didn’t read that quote closely enough.  This wasn’t a one-time thing: Seems fried squirrel was A REGULAR DINNER ENTREE FOR THIS DUDE AND HIS BUDS!

At least he made himself stop at the grits and fried squirrels though.  I guess maybe Huck drew the line at barbecuing road-kill possums on a Dodge V8 Hemi engine block — because that would’ve been way the hell too hick.

Then again, maybe the habitual squirrel frying explains this other family-related thing.

Update:  Something I just thought of.  No hotplate for these rambunctious SC college buddies — No siree, that’s agin’ the rules!  But a squirrel gun?  Shore, no problem!  (Not to mention gutting, skinning, and prepping the li’l varmint…) 

Funny, but at my college (CMU) it was the other way around: Lots of my friends used hotplates, but having a firearm in the dorm would get you expelled.

2007 Results Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest 2007

Gerald began — but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten percent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the eruption, not that it mattered much because for them "permanently" meant the next ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash — to pee.
– Jim Gleeson Madison, WI

Oh, it’s so very bad, but it hurts so good.  It’s worth a read at the link above there, if you really want some cringe-worthy fun.  There’s lots more.

(The usual trivia:  The contest is named after Bulwer Lytton, who opened his 1830 novel, "Paul Clifford," with the immortal words, "It was a dark and stormy night.")

OMG, this was hilarious.  It also took some serious huevos to pull off a stunt so massively brazen:

The BEAST: America’s Best Fiend
The event we were covering was a quick shot across the Kentucky state line, the grand unveiling of a 60,000 square foot bellwether of our culture’s sheepish intellectually depravity: The Creation Museum. The poured concrete brainchild of Ken Ham, world-renowned creationist douche and president of the Christian apologetics ministry “Answers in Genesis,” this “museum” aims to depict biblical narrative as historic reality. 27 million donated dollars worth of animatronic dinosaurs and humans palling around in the Garden of Eden—madness. Like the slaves of narcotic bliss, we felt physically compelled to participate in this insanity, adding to it whatever we could. Our drug was adrenaline, our bliss: messing with uppity religious primates.

The rest of this "Fear and Loathing at The Creation Museum"-esque piece at the link.

Sorry… but ‘belated’ also seems appropriate for this particular holiday…

Let the "Airing of Grievances" and "Feats of Strength" begin!

Wowzers…  The Flying Spaghetti Monster in national news, as some of the world’s foremost theologians discuss the implications of Pastafarianism!

Pasta monster gets academic attention – Technology & science- msnbc.com/AP
By Justin Pope updated 10:30 a.m. PT, Fri., Nov. 16, 2007
When some of the world’s leading religious scholars gather in San Diego this weekend, pasta will be on the intellectual menu.

They’ll be talking about a satirical pseudo-deity called the Flying Spaghetti Monster, whose growing pop culture fame gets laughs but also raises serious questions about the essence of religion.

The appearance of the Flying Spaghetti Monster on the agenda of the American Academy of Religion’s annual meeting gives a kind of scholarly imprimatur to a phenomenon that first emerged in 2005, during the debate in Kansas over whether intelligent design should be taught in public school sciences classes.

More at the link…  Ra-men!